The Inverted Moustache

In that cold winter, snow blanketed the fields, farms and cows of the country folk. The burgeoning cities became snow globes; populated by quick moving Ohioans bundled up against the record snows. Yet, the summer sun burned down like never before a few months later. Country and city folk alike lived in the shade, avoiding the record heat as best they could. This strange occurrence was not the end of the states’ troubles. A number of other strange occurrences seemed intrinsically tied to that year. Tales of rains, followed by fires, and lakes boiling, then suddenly freezing were common in the area. Some claimed the omens were coincidence; that it was nothing more than crazy weather… Ohio weather.

But deep in their innermost souls, they felt that this was something different.

In their guts, Ohioans knew that this was a sign.

A sign of two polar opposites to come, one perfect and grand; the other warped and petty. In 1859, the universe created a man; fated to grow the perfect mustache. Little did anyone suspect, this also created the man who would grow a mustache so terrible it would threaten the very foundations of Fort Collins… and the world.

…

Susanna Roller and her husband, John Darrah, managed to make it through the tumultuous year of 1859. On the final days of the year, they were even blessed with identical twin sons: Sanford and Drofnas Darrah. Growing up, there was never a time when Sanford trusted his brother. Even from his earliest memories, something was off about the way Drofnas talked and moved. As they grew older, Sanford was better able to identify that it was pure, incarnate evil that drove his twin. In his insightful and diligent observations, Sanford found that Drofnas was also a creature of deception and dark cunning. Where Sanford was good, Drofnas was evil; where he spoke the truth, Drofnas lied. But, most importantly, while his mustache drooped magnificently downward, Drofnas’ twisted maliciously upward.

As the twins grew to adulthood, it took much of Sanford’s considerable charisma, and legal brilliance, to keep Drofnas out of trouble. Sanford knew that he would one day have to confront his twin as the universe intended, yet he hesitated for the sake of his parents who and become enthralled by Drofnas’ own warped charms. However, soon it was too late to act when Drofnas escaped on a ship abroad to flee from the ever watchful eyes and disapproving mustache of Sanford. Sanford took this time to master both his physical body and the laws of real estate, becoming the world’s first certified Double Black Belt Real Estate Attorney (DBBREA). With both mental and physical attributes perfected, Sanford began constructing a plan to stop the bristly darkness growing in Eastern Europe.

Mustata de Groaza

Fear still sparks in the heart of the people of Romania when they hear the words “Mustata de Groaza.” Few dare to speak the fiend’s name in more than a whisper and to this day many men still shave their mustaches in terror, for the ‘The Mustache Horror’ was a nightmare all too real. In the beginning no one thought the tails of Mustata de Groaza were anything more than stories. The stories always began with a young man proud of his new bold mustache. The man was usually a traveler who would be needed at a mustache competition in the next town over. As the man passed through dark foggy woods, his mustache spoon or expensive mustache wax would tumble from his pack into dense trees. After idiotically running into the woods, the poor man would be confronted with the most horrible of demons, a pale balding man with an inverse bushy mustache. Mustata de Groaza would then drain the life force from the man’s mustache, leaving a clean shaven corpse behind. Soon the tales became real even in the furthest reaches of Romania.